FEAR OF FLYING

Sooooo.......... I am currently preparing to fly to Winterpark, Florida to see my brother graduate. The closer it nears to my 6 a.m. flight the more nervous I am getting about boarding. It has been about 5 yrs. since the last time I was a passenger on one of these massive winged transportation devices and I do not recall any anxiety then so what the hell is up with this now. I have no reason to be anxious. I have a flight buddy who I trust, a good book, and my DSi for when that is just not cutting it. I'm sure i will be fine... but on to what is really bothering me...

In recent days, I can also say that this topic applies to my new hobby. It's been a couple of months since I've really gotten into it and although I was still into quite deep into my quest last week the newness is now starting to wear off. I know it's weird but even after all of the measures i took to protect my heart in my endeavors, one of the guys in "The Line-Up" seems to be chipping away at the precautionary concrete shell that i had constructed. Which made me think...

• Could my initial mega indulgence into the global pastime of dating be attributed to my fear of emotional flying?

• Have I gotten so used to my constant state of faux "great" that actually feeling a real live emotion scares the shit out of me?

• Is my sudden jitters about flying be somehow linked to me being so emotionally grounded?

• What is making me so leery about letting go of control and just feeling anyway?

I'm probably wwwwaaayyyyy to into my head about this, but I can say that it is nice to have a gentle flutter of the heart again. Guess I have some things to think about on the flight.

I leave you with a song. Lets hope i make it back and don't end up in that awful afterlife place with all of the self's LOL!

I HOPE I JUST GO TO HEAVEN

Sooo.... I'm finally back on the blogging wagon. But, I don't think it matters if I blog on a daily basis or not because I don't think anyone reads this. Anyway on to the story that preceded wire tap on NPR.

The story was actually a short story called "Subjunctive" by David Eagleman. It starts off with this line:

"In the afterlife you are judged not against other people, but against yourself.
Specifically, you are judged against what you could have been."

On my way home from a usual, ridiculously long day of work at Feminist Inc. I had no choice to ponder this point. It made me think about the person that I could have been at this point. I mean after being alive for 25 yrs. so far, I could have made a ton of different choices in my life.

What if I had gone straight to a 4 yr. college instead of to Community College first.

Or if I didn't go to the Real R.U. but to one of the fake ones.

Or if I had a child by now. (which is totally possible)

Or if I decided to start a relationship, stay in a relationship, or even marry 'Sac', 'Scooby', 'Brainiac' or 'Cocoabutter'

What if i decided to embark on a serious acting career (I mean, I was good at it).

Or if I didn't take this dead end job with Feminist Inc.

How different would I be? Would I be a better or worse person? I think that at this point in my life I am at a good spot. I am happy with myself. But, there are always the what ifs?

The story goes on to say that the after life is much like this life. Just filled with alternate yous. Better yous, Worse yous, and then there is the actual you living with all of these versions of yourself. For me, I think I just might have to kill myself again. Hopefully I'll make it to heaven or at least a better afterlife. But, with that what if I landed myself in a worse afterlife? Should I take my chances with this one?

I don't know if I could deal with the other me's. I don't know if I want to know how things would have been different. I mean with the worse me's it would be great. Kind of on the "Woah... glad I made that decision" feeling. Who doesn't like the feeling of knowing that the choice you made was the right one? But on the other hand the better me's would drive me to drink... heavily!!!!! I would rather not know how good a different choice would have turned out for me. I guess it's a double edged sword. With all of this... I hope I just go to heaven!

What are your thoughts?

Listen to the story: www.cbc.ca/wiretap/index.html?copy-audio Season 6 "A Better You"
Read the story: www.bookofjoe.com/2009/02/subjunctive-by-david-eagleman.html
Get the book: "Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives" By David Eagleman

Stay Tuned!